In order to promote change you must first take a good look at the message you are sending out to your kids.  Take some time to look around at your own personal space and get it in shape.  Make a list of the things you want to start with like, 1. Make your bed everyday, 2. Put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket – not on the floor and so on.  Taking these steps first will allow you to feel more confident when you sit down with your kids and have “The Talk”.  You will radiate confidence and your kids will get the message that you are expecting cooperation.

“The Talk” is simply this:

A sweet delivery!

Pick a time when you can gather everyone around the table and let them know that change is a comin’.   You might serve a family favorite dessert and then begin by letting them know this is something you expect from everyone and lay out the guidelines very specifically.  Pass it out on paper if you want.  Chore Charts work well for the ones who need to “see” what you mean.  For those with little ones, they won’t understand exactly what you are saying but they will certainly understand the tone of the family meeting and through observation will get the idea to some degree.  Feel lucky if you have some young ones, you are catching them BEFORE they develop bad habits.

Be very direct and specific about what you expect and why.  Believe it or not, there are some kids who will really take to the idea and get excited about it.  When you present the idea to the family as a group, it gives the plan more energy and a greater chance to succeed.  Discuss the potential rewards and consequences for cooperation and non-cooperation.  Make time for questions to be asked and let everyone put their two cents worth in but just make sure you restate that this is not optional.  Change is much easier to adapt to when you’ve been confronted with it in advance and have been given an opportunity to clarify, disagree, cry – whatever the case may be.  Make yourself some notes for the family meeting… this will help you stay on track and ensure that everything gets covered.

Cooperation

There is one caveat to the level of success you can achieve through the changing of the boundaries.  That caveat is this:

You are teaching your kids how to develop good habits and you can develop either good habits or bad habits through consistency.  If you are consistently in-consistent you will get bad results.  You must be ready to change and have the strength and stick-to-it-tiveness to see it through.  So don’t start this until you are really dedicated to sticking to it. You can experience more of the same, get worse, or really put things moving in a better direction, it’s up to you.

The little successes will give you the motivation and confidence to stick to your plan.  Celebrate them and give yourself a little pat on the back – this is good stuff you’re doing here!

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Great!  So glad you are back and hopefully you have reached your senses and understand that “monkey see, monkey do” is more than just a quaint phrase.  We have all watched our kids emulate grown-up behavior and it’s no accident that children of all ages, socio-economic backgrounds, ethnicities, religions and on – all do it!  It’s UNIVERSAL!  They will emulate the good AND the bad no matter how much we try to tell them what to do and how to do it – they are WATCHING!

Let’s have a little therapy session, shall we ? (purple is a nice soothing color, right?)

So ask yourself this question, “Am I doing the things I am asking of my kids?”  I know, that was not nice was it?!  Depending on your answer, you are feeling somewhere between the June Cleaver type and the Tazmanian Devil.  If you are June Cleaver you may be thinking all is well with the world.  I’m not really concerned about offending any Junes out there because Junes are doing all the work themselves and probably aren’t reading this blog anyway.  As for the Tazs, you know who you are(admit it) and chances are you already feel bad enough about the state of your stuff, so let me approach this from somewhere around the Malcolm in the Middle area. 

You GOTTA do it!  Here are a few tips to get you started

• Start with making your bed, it’s big and just that alone makes a noticeable difference. 
• Then pick up everything off of the floor and pile it on your bed.  Set your timer for 7 minutes and don’t stop moving until it’s all put away, PROPERLY!  Yes you do only have 7 minutes so MOVE IT.  Don’t turn of the timer until your done.
• Next comes the dresser – what in the world is all that stuff doing up there?  Get a trash bag – half of it can be thrown away anyway.  If you are a pocket paper collector, get a colorful jar and use it to store your 80 million tiny pieces of paper that pile up on the dresser once you’ve purged your pockets - go through it once a month and purge old receipts, notes to self, etc.  
• One way to keep the bedroom from going bonkers is to Not Not Not bring anything in that is not bedroomy.  There is no reason for your gardening shoes to be in your closet or for the weeks mail to be on top of the 80 million little pieces of paper on your dresser.  If it doesn’t come in… it won’t have to be taken out.   Make it a rule, then follow it!

Make a chart, or get in touch with your inner child and use one of ours (major points with the kids).  Use it to make sure you pay at least 5 minutes of attention to your room everyday.  I can say from experience, 5 minutes a day is all you really need to keep your room from becoming the very thing your sweet little person uses against you when you ask them to clean theirs!

We have 3 kids and they cover the full spectrum from Mighty Tidy to Tornado.  The little one (girl) is an absolute wiz at tidy, and let me tell you, she has taught us all a thing or two.  The oldest, also a girl, reminds me of a phrase my parents used quite often when referring to my organizational skills, “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your shoulders.”  And then there is the middle child (boy), who will clean up his room but then it’s sectioned off like a museum so nothing gets move from its sacred spot.  I find myself creeping tip toe through his room so as not to knock over one of his very deliberately placed toys.  These are, after all, very strategically placed and trust me he’ll notice if Mr. Bionicle™ has moved to a vulnerable position against the great Bakugan™ foe… it’s a battle of epic proportion!

We run the gamut from, the total standoff… “clean up or perish”, to “oh the heck with it, my room is a mess too and I’m tired”!!!

Regardless if you’re dealing with kids who take to it instinctively or those who fight it every step of the way, breaking tasks down into smaller “bite size” chunks is a vital step towards success.  For example, if you have a child who’s room looks like a cyclone hit it and the mere mention of the words “clean up your room” turn your once sweet, good natured child into a convulsing, melt down having, professional whiner who you begin to refer to as your husband’s (or wife’s) child….here is a suggestion that will help.  

Day one: start with making the bed only.

Day two: make the bed and pick up 5 things off of the floor.

Day three:  make the bed, 5 more things off the floor and 5 items to be thrown away or donated to charity.  (you can make it 3 things if 5 starts to point you towards whiner territory)

Day four: make the bed, 5 things off the floor and 5 items to be trashed, stored or donated… starting to get the idea??? When these tasks are being completed, let your kids dress up in play clothes or listen to fun music… anything to promote a little use of the imagination. 

A cyclone is just too overwhelming a task to think of cleaning up all at once.  If you can live with the mess for a few more days and let them make smaller strides towards cleaning it up… you will have truly accomplished something and so will they!

TKMom