Honey, I'm home!!!

I know you want the magic solution.  Just do ____________ and you’re ” not so tidy” significant other will be buzzing around the house scrubbing, vacuuming, dusting, disinfecting, sorting and folding.   Buy ___________ and never again will you come home from a short trip to a complete and total disaster area fit for yellow caution tape and a sign labeled “CONDEMNED.”

Well, there is no magic answer but I’d like to offer a few suggestions on how to approach the subject with your cave dwelling partner without getting into a knock down drag out.   One thing you may want to keep in mind if you are the Neat Freak (odds are the Messy Marvin’s aren’t reading this…just a guess) and that is PATIENCE… Rome was not cleaned in a day!

Common ground

The important thing is to make sure you have expressed how you feel about the clutter and your spouse has, at minimum, expressed they have heard what you’ve said and at least will try and understand how it makes you feel.  That is a huge step in the right direction.  Things may not change overnight but you can make progress and it’s not unusual for the whole family to begin to realize that tidiness is next to… well, you know

Imagine!

One step at a time… believe it and you will get there!

TKMom

Who wouldn’t want a jar of good deeds noticed, to constantly remind us of how awesome we are everyday?  I would.

The cool thing about what we simply call “the marble jar” is this – it changes with your kids!   This is something we’ve been doing with our kids for years and it still gets the attention of the oldest who is now 13.  It’s easy to implement, very effective and really builds positive behavior.

First things first, here is what you will need:

1. One clear acrylic container per child (preferably with a lid)

2. Lots of marbles – more than one color is good but not neccessary

3. One large clear marble container – a bowl or canister

THAT’S IT!!!!!

Secondly, here are the guidelines:

The kids begin accumulating marbles for their good deeds.  We have always given them for deeds that were spontaneous and things the kids had not been instructed to do or say.  Here are a couple of examples:

My son shared his snack at the pool with his younger sister who forgot hers at home.  He really wanted his snack and had mentioned how hungry he was but shared it anyway.  I noticed his generosity and told him he gets marbles to put in his jar when he gets home.  In this case it was two marbles but you can tailor it to fit your style.  (I didn’t even have to remind him to get the marbles when we got home… he went straight to it)

I occasionally ask my 13 yr old to clean out/up her closet because it has the tendency to be her place to stuff, cram, throw, stack and store anything and everything.  I usually have to ask 2 or 3 times before she kinda “gets around to it.” She recently said, “Sure Mom” to a closet cleaning request and to my surprise, went straight up and took care of business!  For her that was monumental so she got 3 marbles… and when I said she got 3 marbles she was proud as peacock with her 3 little marbles!

He Who Giveth Can Taketh Away! If someone says or does something nasty, ugly, vile or vicious.  Or simply doesn’t do what they’re asked in some obviously disrespectful way – then they are coughing up marbles and oooooeey they don’t like to give those marbles back!

We assigned a value of approximately 33 cents to each marble and cash them in at the end of the week or two weeks – whatever works.  What makes the marbles magic for us as parents is how they take on the friction of the difficult situations instead of every issue being the Kids vs. Us.

This works like magic… our kids still get all wide eyed and perky when we utter those esteem building words, “Go get some marbles.”  It’s so incredibly important that we noticed the good deed done!  Soon you will notice they are looking for ways to earn marbles - positively marble-ous!

p.s. kids like to see their marbles piling up in the container which is why it’s really important that it’s clear!!

In order to promote change you must first take a good look at the message you are sending out to your kids.  Take some time to look around at your own personal space and get it in shape.  Make a list of the things you want to start with like, 1. Make your bed everyday, 2. Put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket – not on the floor and so on.  Taking these steps first will allow you to feel more confident when you sit down with your kids and have “The Talk”.  You will radiate confidence and your kids will get the message that you are expecting cooperation.

“The Talk” is simply this:

A sweet delivery!

Pick a time when you can gather everyone around the table and let them know that change is a comin’.   You might serve a family favorite dessert and then begin by letting them know this is something you expect from everyone and lay out the guidelines very specifically.  Pass it out on paper if you want.  Chore Charts work well for the ones who need to “see” what you mean.  For those with little ones, they won’t understand exactly what you are saying but they will certainly understand the tone of the family meeting and through observation will get the idea to some degree.  Feel lucky if you have some young ones, you are catching them BEFORE they develop bad habits.

Be very direct and specific about what you expect and why.  Believe it or not, there are some kids who will really take to the idea and get excited about it.  When you present the idea to the family as a group, it gives the plan more energy and a greater chance to succeed.  Discuss the potential rewards and consequences for cooperation and non-cooperation.  Make time for questions to be asked and let everyone put their two cents worth in but just make sure you restate that this is not optional.  Change is much easier to adapt to when you’ve been confronted with it in advance and have been given an opportunity to clarify, disagree, cry – whatever the case may be.  Make yourself some notes for the family meeting… this will help you stay on track and ensure that everything gets covered.

Cooperation

There is one caveat to the level of success you can achieve through the changing of the boundaries.  That caveat is this:

You are teaching your kids how to develop good habits and you can develop either good habits or bad habits through consistency.  If you are consistently in-consistent you will get bad results.  You must be ready to change and have the strength and stick-to-it-tiveness to see it through.  So don’t start this until you are really dedicated to sticking to it. You can experience more of the same, get worse, or really put things moving in a better direction, it’s up to you.

The little successes will give you the motivation and confidence to stick to your plan.  Celebrate them and give yourself a little pat on the back – this is good stuff you’re doing here!

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Take a big piece of paper and put a giant red X on it. This X goes on the floor in the middle of the room and an unknown reward written on a small piece of paper goes underneath (don’t let them see this part). The reward should be something of particular interest to the mates involved in the adventure (this promotes auto-participation in the next adventure, of which there will surely be one). Everyone gets to pick a pirate name of course and they must speak in their best pirate voices throughout the entire adventure. If they have pirate dress-up clothes – by all means let them dress for the occasion!

All of the items around the ship(room) that are causing the ship’s deck to be a wreck are picked up and placed on the big red X. I mean everything from the clothes to stuffed animals to coloring books and so on gets piled on this X. Once the pile is complete – the mates look around the room and put away any remaining debris hanging around.

Now it’s time to get to the bottom of the pile and find out what is under that big red X! This is when you let the mates know there is treasure under that red X and they can’t see what it is until all the items in the pile are put in their proper place and the red X can be lifted. They will be scooting around the room like little deckhands in a hurry. If you have any pirate songs on CD play those too!

Side note: make sure the reward is something that can be redeemed fairly quickly after the task has been completed. Not trying to promote instant gratification but for this tip – the quicker the better on the reward end. Total prep time is about 4 minutes to get this rolling.

This little gem also works well with a cowboy theme -YEEHAAA MATES!

TKMate

We have 3 kids and they cover the full spectrum from Mighty Tidy to Tornado.  The little one (girl) is an absolute wiz at tidy, and let me tell you, she has taught us all a thing or two.  The oldest, also a girl, reminds me of a phrase my parents used quite often when referring to my organizational skills, “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your shoulders.”  And then there is the middle child (boy), who will clean up his room but then it’s sectioned off like a museum so nothing gets move from its sacred spot.  I find myself creeping tip toe through his room so as not to knock over one of his very deliberately placed toys.  These are, after all, very strategically placed and trust me he’ll notice if Mr. Bionicle™ has moved to a vulnerable position against the great Bakugan™ foe… it’s a battle of epic proportion!

We run the gamut from, the total standoff… “clean up or perish”, to “oh the heck with it, my room is a mess too and I’m tired”!!!

Regardless if you’re dealing with kids who take to it instinctively or those who fight it every step of the way, breaking tasks down into smaller “bite size” chunks is a vital step towards success.  For example, if you have a child who’s room looks like a cyclone hit it and the mere mention of the words “clean up your room” turn your once sweet, good natured child into a convulsing, melt down having, professional whiner who you begin to refer to as your husband’s (or wife’s) child….here is a suggestion that will help.  

Day one: start with making the bed only.

Day two: make the bed and pick up 5 things off of the floor.

Day three:  make the bed, 5 more things off the floor and 5 items to be thrown away or donated to charity.  (you can make it 3 things if 5 starts to point you towards whiner territory)

Day four: make the bed, 5 things off the floor and 5 items to be trashed, stored or donated… starting to get the idea??? When these tasks are being completed, let your kids dress up in play clothes or listen to fun music… anything to promote a little use of the imagination. 

A cyclone is just too overwhelming a task to think of cleaning up all at once.  If you can live with the mess for a few more days and let them make smaller strides towards cleaning it up… you will have truly accomplished something and so will they!

TKMom

You can even have a 30 min or 60 min Tidy for the whole house and involve the whole family. This allows the parents to set a good example and let the kids see that they aren’t the only ones with chores. Turn on some music and make it fun. Give the heavy and high chores to parents or older siblings and assign age appropriate tasks to the kiddos. They can dust, dust mop, vacuum and pick up the various toys, books, video games and other clutter that accumulates during the week, even if they aren’t the ones who left it out. What a concept! A reward for the whole family like a trip to the park, the movies, or a favorite lunch spot will help keep the focus for the Tidy Hour.